MY LIFE: Scared to start again

I’m sorry (but not sorry) I haven’t written a new blog post in two weeks. I needed a break. Plus, I’m always telling my Blogger Baes to take breaks, but I never take a break. What kind of advice is that. But I’m back and I got a good topic this week: WEIGHT-LOSS!

I was scared to write this post because I’ve written this type of post about 50 times. It’s the post where I declare I’m gonna get fit (or snatched, steal-yo-daddy sized, skinny!). I’m scared to write this post because I’ve accomplished this goal a couple times and I’ve failed plenty more. I’m scared to start this journey again because I’m scared I’ll fail. But I’m tired of hoping to wake up smaller and more fit. I know I need to try again. I’m worth it.

As an adult, the smallest number I’ve seen on the scale was 297 lbs. Now, I know a couple of y’all edges just flew off because that’s still considered ‘big’. I mean, that’s bigger than some football players. But, the way my body (pear shaped) and my height (6ft tall) works, it looked GOOD. As a plus-sized woman and BLOGGER, I always feel pressure to talk about my weight. Either we should be talking about losing weight or talking about how happy we are to be big. What if you are stuck in the middle: a little bit happy, a little bit scared, and a little bit over-it in general? That’s me.

See, I’ve been a BIG GIRL all my life and I’ve never seen a day where I’ve been considered THIN or SKINNY. Came in this world at almost 10lbs and 21″. I was taller than most classmates AND teachers until high-school; thank God those boys started to grow! Then when I got to college, I actually lost a bunch of weight. I was poor, hungry, and I worked a lot. I came home and my family was so proud of my weight-loss – not much mention about those good grades (more on that later). Then I graduated and got a job: free corporate lunch and spending money. I got big again. Biggest I’d ever been (until now). To my luck, I found an amazing job at the YMCA. That job afforded me free gym membership and access to the internet. I was printing off recipes and working out five times a week, sometimes doing two-a-days. Girl, I was FIT!!!!! I could see two ab muscles!

Y’all! Snatched!

Then, my grandma died, I started grad school, and I broke up with a long time ‘on again, off again’ boyfriend (This was the base of Jack & Ahlia‘s childhood story). I was stressed and crushed. I gained the weight back. Partly because grad school was so time consuming and I was, yet again, struggling with money. But, wanting to look good at graduation, I snapped back into gym life and lost a nice bit of weight.

Fast forward to now, Yup, I’m big again. I’m 5lbs bigger than I’ve ever been! Whew just typing that gave me the vapors. My clothes fit weird, my face is chunky, and wearing heels makes my knees hurt. In the past three years I’ve gone through a lot: death of a partner, leaving a job, horrendous money issues, loss of friends, and general depression. Still, I’ve taken these photos, wrote this blog, and posed for my life. Seriously, if it wasn’t for the blog and you guys, my readers, I’d be in a PIT of despair.

As the title states, I was scared to start again. Like really. For the most part, I’m a pretty confident girl, but even I can see the surprise on the faces of people who haven’t seen me in a long time. That, “you look nice, but wow you’re much bigger than I thought!” look. I saw it when i went home for Christmas. I saw it when I went to recent fashion event. I’m tired of seeing that face. I’m ready to be comfortable in my body. The only thing that helps is knowing, if I did it before, I can do it again.

I’m turning 40 in June. In my mind I want to take these epically gorgeous 40th Birthday Photos. Now, I know science and math, it’s just April, no way I’ll be at my goal weight by my birthday. But I want to walk into my birthday month feeling strong and consistent. I may be down 20lbs or just 10lbs. Either way, I’ll be back on the wagon and feeling better. I know I can do this!

Are you starting a weight loss, fitness, or health journey? Let me know how you feel about starting again. I’ll share updates on my socials and I may even bring back my YouTube channel! Either way, I’ll keep you posted. I’m not scared anymore!

Oh yeah, I already have my plan. I know what to eat and how to work out. Different plans work for different people. I know you want to leave your miracle plan in the comments but I’m GOOD on that. I’ve consulted my doctor and done my googles.

9 thoughts on “MY LIFE: Scared to start again

  1. You can do it girl! Reading your story hits too close to home. I am 6’3 and always been the biggest person in the room, everywhere! I started my weight loss journey a month a go and now it has me feeling myself haha. You know how that goes! A month a go I was the biggest I ever been. I got on that scale and it said 330lbs I almost passed out! This weight loss journey is not easy. I know you understand that part too lol. It is so easy for us to put it on but it feels like we are trying to conquer the world to lose it lol.

    Good luck! I will be looking out for updates.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Tall girls unite! I’m so happy to be 6ft b/c my weight distributes nicely over my gram. But when I stepped on the scale last time, I was HOT FIRE MAD! Being the tallest in the room is never an issue. Being the biggest in general is always hard. Thanks for your support.

      Like

  2. The timeliness of this post is crazy. I wrote very similar things in my journal this morning after having an epiphany yesterday. I’m so tired of being tired and afraid. Tired of wanting to do something for myself and not doing it and afraid of starting over yet again. It seems like the universe is confirming that its time for me to make this decision and get my life together. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just found this! Starting a weight loss journey on Monday, been researching and planning for a while and I’m scared! So freaking timely! Thanks for this! Share more. Seriously it helps, you, me, all of us!

    Peace & Blessings on your journey!

    Like

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