Can you believe I’m on WEEK 4 of my Hysterectomy Recovery journey! Wow! I’m so amazed at my body’s ability to heal. I guess all my green juice and haphazard workout streaks helped. I’m almost embarrassed telling people that I’m virtually pain free at this point.
And that leads to something I thought I’d escaped on this healing journey … THE FEELINGS.
So I finally cried about it …
Let me start by saying, I’m not a person who cries often. I’m not saying this as a badge of honor. I’m saying this as someone who goes to a therapist about the fact that I don’t cry often.
Last week, after scrolling through TikTok and swiping through twitter I just couldn’t fall asleep. I lay in the bed, lights turned off with just the glare of my college alarm clock glowing in the distance. I started to think. Oh no.
Out of nowhere the tears started to fall. Who knows what the trigger was? I thought of the fake kids I could have had (even though I never wanted to birth kids). Then I thought of the kids I could adopt. But then I got more sad because I only want to adopt if I have a wonderful husband to partner in the journey.
Then my brain traveled to the bad place – remembering I don’t have any man of interest anywhere in my galaxy. I thought about how I didn’t have a man friend help me DURING this hysterectomy healing journey. No man brought me flowers. Then I just let the tears fall … what if a die without a partner at all. I die alone – uterus less surrounded by all my Jordan sneakers.
Chile … THE FEELINGS! The woulda-coulda-shoulda of my healthy body journey! Did I try hard enough to to be healthy? Is this ALL MY FAULT? Is it because I’m fat? Maybe GOD is punishing me for not treating my body like a temple. Where’s your discipline?! You have to be better next time.
Then my brain settled on loss. The emptiness. Wow, there’s a hole where my uterus used to be. No more period. No more anything. That’s WILD.
My pillow was FOR REAL wet with tears. I’d finally fallen asleep.
But, then had a wretched dream where my ‘downstairs’ parts looked smooth like a Barbie doll. In the dream, I felt nothing down there. No one would help me feel. I was all alone.
When I woke up I felt like I’d run a marathon. How you gonna wake up exhausted? I wasn’t sad though. I was … relieved?
The issue with my type of optimism
I spent MONTHS before my procedure trying to ‘stay on the bright side’. That feeling has finally come to an end. My brain HAD to process what I was trying to push aside. I had to fully go to the dark place to realize there is a new tunnel and it’s filled with opportunity. WHAT are these opportunities? I’m excited to learn because I’ve the last 3 years hiding the fact that my body was broken.
I kept telling myself, “it could be worse.”
My version of “it could be worse” is not some far away woman in a war stricken country. Could be worse is in my own family. For my new readers, I’d like to add I’m a long-distance caretaker for my mom who’s dealing with a longterm illness. Her illness has landed her 90% bedridden, in chronic pain, and in facility far from us. Because I’m always thinking about her health, I’ve been struggling to focus on my health. I also try to ‘put on a happy face’ for her because she going to through SO MUCH.
Last week, my mom said, “I wish my body was like your body. You heal so quick. You were barely in any pain. I wish I was like you.” And that made me cry.
That’s what I mean when I say I hate to tell people that I’m in week 4 of Hysterectomy recovery and I feel GOOD! Like, I still get tired and achy at the end of the day. But after reading what so many others go through – I felt bad for feeling well.
This week, I chose to be open about my emotions with you because I want the next hysterectomy recipient to understand this healing journey. Yours may be physically painful, emotionally painful, or both. Just be prepared. Get a good support system, write a journal (or blog), and make sure to let yourself feel your feelings.
And it’s all ok
Yup, all this is ok because it’s the best way for me to get through this chapter in my life. Lots to process. Lots to feel. And, it’s ok. I guess I’m human, lol!
For those looking for a PHYSICAL update: my laparoscopic wounds are 85% healed and I barely have any scaring, I’m only taking ibuprofen for pain, and I can walk about 25mins without getting too tired. I’m really blessed.